DEFCON 2

When I'm running low on Diet Coke w/Splenda, I defer to the defense readiness condition scale in order to adequately convey to my husband how dire things are in our household.  He knows.  When I call or text with a DEFCON warning, he'll ask me what number.

Before I proceed, you need to understand.  I drink my cokes cold.  Poured over ice.  Preferably over crushed ice.  I use a sweat proof tumbler and a straw.  I'm very neurotic about it and won't pretend otherwise.  I own my neuroses.

Back to my DEFCON system.

One is the worst.  The threat is imminent.  How does this translate with my warning system?  One means we are out.  And unless he wants me to go to the store (Which I've been banned from by the way.  I spend too much money.  Another entry for another day.) he really needs to bring some home.

Two means we are down to one or two cans.  And that's pretty bad right there.  It means I am probably down to my hidden one.  My reserve.  (Which I'm drinking right now.)   If you know my system at all, you know that I keep one or two hidden in the back of my fridge.  I can't risk having to offer my last one to a guest.  I know that sounds selfish.  Just keeping it real.  It's seriously a "use only in case of emergency" kind of thing.  Said emergency happened today.  I really thought we had a twelve pack out in our extra fridge that's in Mr. B's shop.  False.  None.  I don't know how this happened.  So I had to defer to my emergency beverage.  Luckily I had put two back there.  That meant we were down to one.  One.  ONE!  That happened today.

Three means I have about three or four.

Four means I have about six.

Five means I only have one twelve pack on hand.

In my perfect world, we have two full twelve packs in the extra fridge and one inside.  My own version of Diet Coke Xanadu would be the Coke truck guy monitoring my outside fridge and keeping me fully stocked at all times.  But I am also a realist.  So I accept that it will never be Diet Coke Xanadu around here.

I called Mr. B at work and gave him the news.  DEFCON 2.

He brought me home a twelve pack.

The man loves me.  He gets me.  I wouldn't trade him for anything.

*sips my liquid crack*

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.