Beautiful Mess

I've had to learn some pretty hard life lessons over the past eight months. And while I'd never want to travel that road again, I'm so happy with my destination. I finally have peace. Peace that I haven't had for at least fifteen years. Maybe more.

This crazy life we journey through is beautiful. And messy.

As a Believer in Christ, I know that He is the One guiding my steps. He puts people in my path, and I believe He moves them away, too. While I have free will and the ability to really bone things up, God knows and has preordained my steps. Praise Him for His grace - - His amazing and abundant grace.

Here's what I believe about friendship. A few things I've learned on this journey...

• It is very similar to marriage. It's not 50/50. It's giving 100% every chance you can.
• Don't be a doormat in that process. 
• Other people's definitions of friendship don't have to match yours. What you want/expect/need from a friendship may differ entirely from what I want/expect/need from a friendship. And that's okay! 
• Communication is key.
• When you mess up - - apologize.
• Establish boundaries and honor those boundaries.
• Trust is earned. Once it's broken, it is SO hard to get it back. Be very careful with information you've been entrusted with. Very. Careful.
• Pray for each other. Often. Pray with each other. Don't use prayer as a way to "gossip." 
• Help carry the burden. Don't make it yours. But help. Again with the boundaries. Honor those!
• Spend time together. 
• Laugh a lot. Just because a relationship is fun doesn't mean it doesn't have depth. Laugh and play. 
• Love fiercely.

I have/had some amazing friends before this "friend break-up" that I experienced. I'm so thankful for the ones who stood by me and the new ones that God brought into my life in the process. I'm certain I wasn't easy to be around or talk to. I cried. A lot. What I went through was hurtful. 

I won't pretend for one hot second that I am an innocent bystander who was done dirty. I own my fault in the demise of this friendship. I'm not proud of it. But I do ask you this - - if you've heard things about me that don't quite line up - - go with your gut. There are two sides to every piece of paper. And somewhere, in all of those words in that story is the truth. 

Walking away doesn't mean it was never real. It was very real for me. It doesn't mean I couldn't handle the hard stuff. Quite the opposite. I've been handling the hard stuff for years. All it means is that the journey came to an end. Walking away was the only option. And I'm okay with that. I'm better for it.

My smile isn't fake. It's real. It was quite a journey to find it. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of tears and a lot of love. My amazing husband spoke truth into my life and showed incredible patience and restraint. He has been a rock. My friends have been amazing. You never know how God might take a circumstance that seems insurmountable and make something beautiful and real out of it. 

There are just some things that we'll never understand this side of Heaven. And it's not our job to.

Be authentic.

Walk in obeience.

Give and accept grace.

Choose kindness.

Be faithful.

Friends, Plans, God's Timing

Last year was just a weird year. So much stuff happened in the last part of the year. Just some really insane changes, realizations, growth, and just - - stuff.

Mr. B got hit with some news at work that would turn out to be life-changing for us. All in a most excellent way. But change is change. I'm learning to roll with the punches. He had been miserable in his job for a very long time. Too long. YEARS ago, I told him I'd live in a tent with him if it meant he could finally be free from where he worked. Every time he got called into a meeting, I'd beg God to release him from that place. It seemed the answer was always, "Not yet."

Then God said, "Yes. Now. Trust Me."

And Mr. B did trust Him.

And we are trusting Him.

And we don't have to move into a tent. Actually, if it weren't for Cameron and swimming, I'd be BEGGING right now to sell ALL OUR STUFF, move into a camper, home school the boys, travel and just be gypsies. I mean really, how cool would it be to do a study on the Pacific Northwest and go there and hike and do all the things? I never thought I had a hippie heart. But I'm kind of thinking I do. Sell the van, buy a Jeep. Can I get an amen?

So that happened. And he is happy. So our little family unit is happy. All the praise hands for that.

God also took what started out as an awful situation and turned it into something amazing. It seems weird to say that I made three friends last year. But I did. And three? Specifically? Yes. Three. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have tons of acquaintances. Tons. But inner circle types? Not that many. Not at all. Because honestly, women scare me. They can be so catty and mean. And I don't have time, nor do I want, the ensuing drama. (Thank you, God, for giving me boys.) I'm too old for that nonsense. And honestly, I should have been the day I graduated from high school. It's never too late to grow up. I highly recommend it.

Then this week, I hesitantly started a new bible study. I have some weird reasons for being hesitant. Most of which are LAME. Whatever. But I sucked it up last night and went anyway. Oh. My. Goodness. God knew. He knew I needed this and when I needed to start. He's so stinking cool like that. Last night, watching the video, it was like I was the only person in the room and God was shaking the snot out of me. It was about plans. His plans. How He knows them. Each step. And He gives me just enough light for each step to take. I don't get all of my life's instructions at once. How hard would that be to follow? Or remember? So while I'm a planner and crave structure (which is still necessary for me to run a household) there are just some things that I have to be patient and wait for. Oh how I wish I could have told 20-something Becky this information. To just love where God had/has me at the time. To trust His direction. His steps. Where He shines the light. Where there is no light.

All of this to say that I'm trusting in His timing. With everything. Jobs. Friends. Next steps... 

And it's so, so good.

My White Whale

Are you familiar with the book, Moby Dick? If not, just Google it. I don't have time to instill culture in your life.

As if I have culture.

Or even read that book myself. That makes me laugh.

Anyway, to have a white whale in one's life is to have that thing (or things) that obsess you. And it becomes somewhat of a mission to destroy it. Or beat it. I have found my white whale.

Behold...

The United States Postal Service. Specifically - - this truck.

Monday through Friday, without fail, he cuts me off.  I'm not even playing. Ask my kids. When I pick the kids up from school, he's turning left onto Knickerbocker Rd. at the same time I'm turning right. We both have green lights. But he is supposed to yield to me. Right?  But he must sense weakness in me. Because every stupid day, he turns in front of me.

If he doesn't turn in front of me, he barrels into my lane. With me there.

He is my white whale. A big bully in a government vehicle.

Revenge shall be mine.

Kids and Technology - Follow Up

I figured an update was necessary. Because we're all in this together. It truly takes a village to raise kids. And because the "in my day" excuse just doesn't cut it. Like it or not, our kids have access to all kinds of information at their fingertips.

In an attempt to find a delicate balance, I followed a friend's suggestion and installed the app "Our Pact" on the kids' iPads. It took some doing, but I finally figured everything out. However, their Android phones weren't successful. I felt like an idiot and finally contacted technical support. It turns out their specific phones didn't support the app. Crap. I didn't want to maintain two different apps to control their devices. Back to the drawing board. But for the record, if you're a strictly Apple family, I'd highly recommend Our Pact.

I found another app called "Screen Time." It's actually easier to use. I had no trouble installing it on both platforms. There are two drawbacks for me. First, I can't assign lump sum screen time to share between devices. I have to assign per device time. I contacted the company and they assured me that this was already in consideration for future releases. Cool. It's manageable and not a deal breaker. Second, I can't block apps on Apple products. Tech support had some great suggestions though. The route I chose to go to work around this issue was changing iTunes passwords. Nothing goes on there that we don't approve. The kids have to hand us their iPads and we enter the password if they want to install anything.

This app has several features I really like. One is a scheduler. I do A.M. and P.M. school schedules allowing for access to everything during lunch. During school, they have access to the phone, texting (it's a way to get a hold of me if they need something), their calendar, clock, Bible app, and contacts. Everything else is blocked. The oldest needed access to Google for a class project today in history. He texted me and asked if I could unblock it for the duration of the class. So I did. He messaged back when he was done and I turned Google back off. Just like that. I should probably ask him what he learned about George Washington, just to see. I also schedule bedtime and lights out.

Another feature it has, that I like, is the ability to add tasks that give them reward time. They can click that they completed a task and submit it for my review. They even have the ability to attach a picture if needed. For example, a clean room. And because they are gross middle school boys, teeth brushing is included as a task. And it's working! Another task I have on there is an act of kindness. I'm relying on the honor system here. They tell me what they did and I usually approve it.

My favorite feature? The pause button. Yep, I've used it already. you don't need to finish your race and then come to dinner. If I've called you to dinner, you better shut her down and get to dinner. I hit the pause button and you are paused. It's glorious! 

It's teaching some responsibility and I don't have to hover. I really like that.

Another thing I do is spontaneous messaging/texting reviews. One of the boys is in a group chat that never stops. It's a constant barrage of goofy videos, pictures of pets and other middle school boy silliness. And attempts to be cool. One kid took it too far. I saw it. I had my son reply that his mom saw it and a line was crossed with language. The kid was in a full blown panic and was convinced that I was going to tell his mom. Hahahaha. I don't even know his mom. But I love it that I was able to strike the fear in him. Keep it clean, kids. Mama is watching!

I know some people might think this is a total invasion of privacy. I couldn't disagree more. These kids belong to Mr. B and me. God tasked us with raising them. We are raising them in an era where they are exposed to so much. We have to do our part. And we pray we are approaching this the right way.

It's just the tip of the iceberg. But it really seems like a step in the right direction. 

Forgiveness

It's so hard to forgive someone who either doesn't know or doesn't think they wronged you. This is where I wish I could forget. But then there's this...

Kids and Technology

I was reading a friend's Facebook post the other day about a super cool app she and her husband use to help control screen time. Cool - - where do I sign up? Let's do this.

Then I wasted the better part of two freaking days trying to install and activate.

Oh. My.

We are a bi-techno home. We each have android phones and we have iPads for tablets. This really complicates things. Out of the four devices I needed to install restrictions on, I've completed one of them. In two days. I can think of about a million other things I'd rather be wasting my time on.

Problem number one - - insufficient space on iPads. Fantastic. Go through and delete stuff off the iPad. At this point, give absolutely zero craps about how annoyed your kid might be. Delete. And delete some more. And more. Because - - who has this much crap on their device?

Problem two - - iTunes. I've always hated iTunes. Because I don't have a Mac. I have a Windows based Dell. Oil and water, y'all. Oil and water. It crashes on my computer all the time.

Oh crap.

Hold please.

Yep - - pilot error. I'm a dummy. Justin's iPad wouldn't finish backing up because his Wi-Fi was turned off.

Someone come over here and kick my butt.

I'll post an update later.

UPDATE:

iPad number two is now updated. Now if I can just get these Android phones to cooperate, we'll be in business.

I'm still an idiot sandwich.

Orange...

I want to bring something to your attention. Some of you are aware. Others are not. But I can't be silent anymore.

The orange SweetTarts are gone. They quit making them. Blue is ewwwww. Yellow is ewwwww. Where's my beloved orange?

I don't even know how to move forward at this point.

I'm just - - disappointed.

Attention Skittles, you pull this crap and we're going to have issues.

Winter in Texas

If you aren't in Texas, or from Texas, then bear with us.

We just don't know how to do cold. We beg and plead for that first cold front. Or, actually, cool front. We love it when the wind shifts just slightly from the north and we can turn our air-conditioners off during the night.

Then winter hits. All two weeks of it. But not at once. Sporadically. Tuesday might be winter. But Saturday is a beautiful spring day. It's hard to explain.

It hit Sunday evening. Then things just straight up got cold yesterday. It's 26 right now and supposed to get down to 12 tonight. 12.


That's cold.

We know how to do 112. But not 12.

And Lord help us if there's frozen precipitation.

We don't know how to drive in that. Go ahead. Make fun of us closing down the schools, the stores, and all the things. Because we just can't even.

Roscoe, my big fat orange cat, wanted to go outside this morning. I cautioned him. I said, "Roscoe, be careful out there, Baby. You will freeze all eight of your non-functional nipples off in that kind of cold." He rolled his eyes at me and stood and stared at the back door. So I let him out. He lasted ten minutes.

Even my fat cat can't do it. And that's a lot.

So please, borrow one of our phrases and just bless our hearts. Because we are cold. And we aren't having any of it.

Casi Cielo

It's here!

I had my first cup today.

It's like liquid Xanax. It smells lovely. It tastes like heaven in a cup.

It's one of the few things that gets me through January.

Cheers!

Mr. B Quit His Job

Yep, he did it. He ripped that band-aid straight off. After serving a life sentence of 27 years.

I have so much to say. But I'm kind of waiting on him. I'm being respectful of HIS boundaries. He'll eventually give me the green light. And then you are really going to know how I feel. And how he feels.

I just want to clarify one thing. He did not retire. He quit. There is a difference. He's got a lot of life in him. And more talent in his pinky finger than that prison has in its entirety. He'll use that talent to do amazing things. Of that, I'm certain.

I'm so proud of him. You have no idea.

He's done his time. And there toward the end, he crawled through several hundred yards of filth you can't imagine. But he came out clean on the other side. Smiling and clean.

I'm going to put a link to a video up that sort of describes how I've felt about him quitting. If you haven't seen Shawshank Redemption - - how are we even friends? Go watch that movie. And I'm sorry for the spoiler. If you have seen it, you will easily get my reference. Just a head's up, there's a bad word in the video...

Shawshank Redemption - Andy Escapes

Touchy Social Media Subjects

I don't know if you're like me at all, but I rarely comment on Facebook posts for other people. Regardless of the subject matter. Because of the eleventy billion notifications you receive following the comment. Because someone else comments. Notification. Someone else comments. Another notification. And it keeps going on and on and on until you click on the original post and either remove your comment or attempt to turn notifications on this particular post off.  Because - - notifications. So many of them.

In this process, I've learned (the hard way) that there are certain subjects you should just leave alone. For various reasons. You'll get the gist. I'm going to list a few for you. In no certain order.

1. Instant-Pot

People have all the opinions regarding this device. They either love it, hate it, read where someone used it wrong and got disfiguring burns from it and refuse to use it, people who have never heard of it (and must live under a rock to avoid Amazon's number one Christmas item), or they are curious and would like for social media to give them more information.

Why, why, WHY did I comment that I loved ours? It was a constant barrage of dings. Love. Ding. Hate. Ding. Check out this burn victim. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. You feel me here?

I tried to turn the notifications for my comment "We use ours at least five times a week," off. The notifications were already off. But they kept coming. This is where I practically jumped up and down on the delete comment button. Get me away from this tom-foolery.

The opinions, y'all. They were strong. And they were plentiful.

2. Politics

Oh Lord. Again with the opinions.

Here's one where I'm going to give a glimpse of my opinion. It's about Oprah. Oh my goodness. Please. No. Just no. "You get a tax increase. You get a tax increase. You get a tax increase. You all get a tax increase! Well, except me and my buddies. We work the system. But screw you, 2%."  I'm stopping there. I think she'd be terrible.

It's a shame that you have to be independently wealthy to run for office. Current and past administrations are not exempt from this comment. Average people don't just run for President.

3. Religion

Another touchy one. I still post stuff. But mostly stuff about my relationship with Jesus. Not controversial crap. And for the record, I still go to Target. And Starbucks. I'm not a boycotter. Relatively speaking.  Love Jesus, Love Others. That's my life theme.

4. Direct Sales Marketing

I can't even. Some of you have this done right. You have a separate business page that you occasionally intermingle. You occasionally drop a little bit about your weight loss, an oil you love, or something. And that's way cool in my book. I applaud your success. But when that's ALL. I. SEE... Bye. I just can't. Then I have to remember to go check up on you occasionally. Because I escorted myself away about your second week into this new life-changing adventure. I just want to see pictures of your precious kids again. Or see what kind of cool vacay (that you didn't "win") you are on.

People have opinions. And you just got mine. A generic one. But good gravy, I'm not about to click like on one of those posts. And I'm sure not going to comment. Because I don't want to get the pitch. Does that make sense?

5. Inside jokes

How about we leave those inside? You guys text each other or something. Create a What's App group. Because the rest of us aren't too interested in guessing what the subtext of your text really is. We're all scratching our heads and scrolling on by. Because - - what? Why do we all need to see that?

6. Social Issues

This one scares me the most. Because a lot of time, it's blending politics and religion and smashing it into one big post. Oh goodness. It's disastrous. I skedaddle far away from most of these. I have a few hot button subjects that I'll do battle on every day. But generally, I try to stay away.

I generally try not to step in social media doo doo. I used to. But not so much anymore. If some post has hundreds or thousands of comments, I don't usually look at them. Because chances are, someone is being a total tool. Or they can't spell. Or both. And my eyes literally bleed.

Bring back videos of baby goats doing Parkour. I demand more baby goat videos.

Whatever floats your boat, kids. Have some fun out there. Don't be a social media tool. I'll just be sitting over here, scrolling on by or hitting the unfollow button.