A Diamond in the Rough

Do women have mid-life crisis? Crises? What is the plural of crisis?

I always thought it was just dudes. And they bought shiny sports cars. Or did other unthinkable things. I had my hair cut slightly different. Well, if you call the beginnings of an undercut (google undercut pixie) a mid-life crisis, then that's where I am. At least I'm finally trying to do something different with my hair after a gazillion years of basically the same style.

I'm going through some stuff. Maybe I'm finally growing up. I don't know. Some days I still like to walk around outside in my socks and then tell my parents I did that. 46 and still rebelling. Like a boss.

My ability to tolerate BS has hit an all-time low. I'm just done with crap. I see right through most of it.

Hang on. I just looked down at my "old lady hands" and noticed I'm in desperate need of lotion. BRB.

There. That's better. Nice and moisturized. And I stirred the spaghetti sauce. I'm a mult-tasker. And I did that fast, huh? Yes, be impressed.

So, I'm tired of all kinds of things.

I know what I want.

I want to make much of Jesus. I want to study His word. Every day. Make time with Him a priority. I don't always do that. But I'm working on it. Part of that is plugging in at church. Not just attending. But getting involved. We've recently joined a body of Believers that I feel like will enable me to do just that. Plug in. I don't want to be behind the shadow of anyone. I don't want the spotlight. But I don't want to lurk in the shadows either. I want to serve.

I want to be the best wife I can possibly be. Friday is our 17th anniversary. He has put up with my insanity for a long time. And while he's a dude, he truly is my best friend, confidante, lover and provider. He takes such good care of me and our kids. We have a special anniversary trip coming up that I'll tell y'all about later. I'm looking forward to having him all to myself. No kids. Wheeeeeee!

And oh how I want to be a good mother. I learn everyday. These not so tiny humans need me. Even though they think they don't. They do. They need to see Jesus in me. They need me to teach them how to adult even when I don't feel like adulting myself. They need to see and experience grace and discipline. Much of both. Given and received.

I also want to cultivate quality friendships. The older I get, the less I am about quantity. I want quality. I don't want half-assed relationships. I don't want to be a friend of convenience. Not to others, not for others. All in.

I want to be more secure in who I am. And Whose I am. I grew up feeling incredibly insecure about myself. I was teased. A lot. I had my body type made fun of. A LOT. That started in the 8th grade when I saw a picture of me in a tight (yet modest) tank top. I was on a church mission trip. We had taken a side trip to see the Atlantic Ocean. While it was summertime, it was still cold there. I wasn't real educated about how my body being cold could be easily seen by others. And I'm not talking about normal goosebumps. But yes, bumps. My lights were on. Full beam. The picture taken of me was put on a slide show after the trip. I think it was an innocent submission. But there I was, freezing, looking at the beautiful ocean, about to poke a hole in the camera lens with my high beams.

Everyone laughed.

I cried.

It didn't stop there. I was picked on relentlessly after that.

So I hid behind large clothes. Even after an amazing plastic surgeon "made less of me" on the operating table. My shoulders continued to slump and I hid.

I began changing that over the past year by making a few changes. I've started buying clothes that fit me and I started working out in January. I'll get there. I feel better. So there's that.

The bottom line?

I think God is working in my life. He's showing me where I'm supposed to be. Who I'm supposed to be. What I'm supposed to care about. What I'm not supposed to be concerned with. Jesus gave His life on the cross for ME. And you. And He's got my attention. The polishing/refining process can be painful. But I can only imagine what's on the other side of that process.

So here I am. Just another sinner, saved by grace. I fall down and fail often. Bear with me as I grow.