**This is an unpublished article. So far. Please don't copy it or forward it via e-mail. I don't want the original author to not receive credit for her work and she is working on getting this published. And you know how forwards go with e-mails. They spiral out of control. Thanks for your help with this.**
When Friendships Become Battleships:
Dealing with a Friend’s Sudden Betrayal
“Love your enemies.”
When I memorized that verse as a little girl, I pictured big, ugly ogres. Goliaths standing tall in empty fields. To me, enemies were the scary guys in fairy tales and Bible stories.
When I memorized that verse as a little girl, I pictured big, ugly ogres. Goliaths standing tall in empty fields. To me, enemies were the scary guys in fairy tales and Bible stories.
But when I grew up, I discovered that enemies could disguise themselves as co-workers, family members, even as best friends.
In my 30’s, I got divorced - and in the process, I suddenly had an unwelcome slew of enemies. A whole host of in-laws I once shared stories with, shared meals with, shared my life with, no longer spoke to me. Sides had been taken, lines firmly drawn. Friendships I had nurtured for over a decade vanished as quickly as the ink had dried on my divorce papers. Some of these former “friends” even gossiped about me, told lies to hometown friends. And I was left stunned.
“Love your enemies.”
Then, a couple of years ago, I discovered that a family member had been spreading rumors behind my back. Ironically, she was someone in whom I had confided during the darkest days of my divorce. I had no idea that all those confidences would soon be twisted around, used against me to make me look pathetic and weak. Her betrayals shot deep, in tender places inside me that hurt still, to this day.
Even worse, she spread her resentment to a handful of other close family members, poisoning them against me, too. From one day to the next, I looked around, and my circle of true friends had shrunk to nearly nothing. People who used to be on my side were now on the other side, and I was left reeling.
Even worse, she spread her resentment to a handful of other close family members, poisoning them against me, too. From one day to the next, I looked around, and my circle of true friends had shrunk to nearly nothing. People who used to be on my side were now on the other side, and I was left reeling.
“Love your enemies.”
What do you do when friends - people you love, people you trust - turn on you, suddenly become your enemy? “Frenemies” is a modern term, though King David could’ve easily coined it himself. He knew exactly what it felt like, enduring the sting of betrayal from a close friend:
If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it. If a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is YOU, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God. (Psalm 55:12-14).
The shock and horror David felt in those verses was something I’d come to know all too well. But throughout those painful times, I also learned five very powerful truths:
If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it. If a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is YOU, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God. (Psalm 55:12-14).
The shock and horror David felt in those verses was something I’d come to know all too well. But throughout those painful times, I also learned five very powerful truths:
1) It’s always best to take the higher ground.
As tempting as it is to lash out and defend yourself against people who’ve harmed you, just pause. Breathe. Stop yourself from doing something you‘ll regret. Consider the consequences. Most of all, realize that if you cross the same line your new enemies crossed, you become just like them.
Believe me, in my case, I had enough ammunition to throw my frenemies’ words back in their own faces. I had every right to spit out angry emails that exposed their blatant hypocrisy in stark detail - or even to let others in our family know of their cruel actions toward me.
But I didn’t. And even though it would’ve brought me momentary satisfaction, I knew the long-term effects could be devastating. I’m happy I held back, took the higher ground. I’ve never regretted it.
As tempting as it is to lash out and defend yourself against people who’ve harmed you, just pause. Breathe. Stop yourself from doing something you‘ll regret. Consider the consequences. Most of all, realize that if you cross the same line your new enemies crossed, you become just like them.
Believe me, in my case, I had enough ammunition to throw my frenemies’ words back in their own faces. I had every right to spit out angry emails that exposed their blatant hypocrisy in stark detail - or even to let others in our family know of their cruel actions toward me.
But I didn’t. And even though it would’ve brought me momentary satisfaction, I knew the long-term effects could be devastating. I’m happy I held back, took the higher ground. I’ve never regretted it.
2) Nobody’s opinion matters in this life except God‘s.
My frenemies’ hurtful words and cruel gossip nearly crushed me and kept me from being productive. There was a short time when I even started to believe that their mean-spirited words held some merit. I started to see myself through their eyes - their lack of respect for me, their contempt - and I started to crumble. If other people really feel that way about me, doesn’t that mean they‘re right? I asked myself.
But God stepped in, just in time, lifted me up off my knees, and reminded me - I died for you. I gave you life, gave you purpose. You are MINE. See yourself through My eyes. No one else’s.
When I listened to Him, something in me changed. The darkness was lifted, and all I could see was light. I was loved, by my Creator. And that was all that mattered.
My frenemies’ hurtful words and cruel gossip nearly crushed me and kept me from being productive. There was a short time when I even started to believe that their mean-spirited words held some merit. I started to see myself through their eyes - their lack of respect for me, their contempt - and I started to crumble. If other people really feel that way about me, doesn’t that mean they‘re right? I asked myself.
But God stepped in, just in time, lifted me up off my knees, and reminded me - I died for you. I gave you life, gave you purpose. You are MINE. See yourself through My eyes. No one else’s.
When I listened to Him, something in me changed. The darkness was lifted, and all I could see was light. I was loved, by my Creator. And that was all that mattered.
3) Be honored by this spiritual test.
See this difficult time as an opportunity to apply spiritual truths - to put into practice all those verses you‘d always memorized but never fully utilized.
Forgiveness. Love. Mercy. Grace. Those are awesome, weighty words when you watch them play out in your own life. They’re not just sentiments on a page anymore. They’re absolutely real.
See this difficult time as an opportunity to apply spiritual truths - to put into practice all those verses you‘d always memorized but never fully utilized.
Forgiveness. Love. Mercy. Grace. Those are awesome, weighty words when you watch them play out in your own life. They’re not just sentiments on a page anymore. They’re absolutely real.
4) Let the Lord fight your battles for you.
One of the things that stung so badly about my situation was that I felt alone. All the insults and backstabbing of my frenemies were done quietly, secretly, behind closed doors. They came off looking like saints to everyone else in my family - nobody knew the depths of their cruelty (that‘s true, still to this day). And that bothered me.
Why should they get away scott free? I wondered. Why should they get to throw a powerful grenade of words at me while they walk away, free of any injury, free of responsibility or accountability? It’s not fair.
But then, I remembered David again. Often, he had enemies who wanted to kill him. In his youth, he lived a fugitive’s life, hiding out, running from them day after day. Alone and afraid, he pondered and fretted and cried out to the Lord, and came to these conclusions:
“He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but THE LORD was my support. HE is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies” (Psalm 18:17-18; 47-48).
“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you” (Psalm 25: 15, 19-20).
David realized he alone couldn’t handle his enemies - but God could. I learned from these verses that it’s not my job to be anyone’s judge and jury. God would handle these people who had become my enemies. Their choices, their accountability, lay with Him. Not with me. And I found that extremely comforting.
One of the things that stung so badly about my situation was that I felt alone. All the insults and backstabbing of my frenemies were done quietly, secretly, behind closed doors. They came off looking like saints to everyone else in my family - nobody knew the depths of their cruelty (that‘s true, still to this day). And that bothered me.
Why should they get away scott free? I wondered. Why should they get to throw a powerful grenade of words at me while they walk away, free of any injury, free of responsibility or accountability? It’s not fair.
But then, I remembered David again. Often, he had enemies who wanted to kill him. In his youth, he lived a fugitive’s life, hiding out, running from them day after day. Alone and afraid, he pondered and fretted and cried out to the Lord, and came to these conclusions:
“He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but THE LORD was my support. HE is the God who avenges me, who subdues nations under me, who saves me from my enemies” (Psalm 18:17-18; 47-48).
“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you” (Psalm 25: 15, 19-20).
David realized he alone couldn’t handle his enemies - but God could. I learned from these verses that it’s not my job to be anyone’s judge and jury. God would handle these people who had become my enemies. Their choices, their accountability, lay with Him. Not with me. And I found that extremely comforting.
5) We are COMMANDED to forgive and love our enemies.
Yep, this is the hard one. The one I’ve struggled with the most. How do you love someone who practically hates you? Who steps on you and seems to enjoy watching you squirm, even when you‘ve done nothing to deserve it? My epiphany came, though, when I re-read Jesus’ parable of the unmerciful servant. Jesus tells of a servant who owed his master an enormous sum of money. When the servant begged for mercy, his master forgave ALL his debt and showed him undeserved mercy.
But what did that servant do, that very night, when he ran into a friend who owed him a miniscule amount of money? He threw the man in prison, showed no mercy whatsoever!
Then the master called the servant in. ’You wicked servant,’ he said, ’I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ (Matt. 18:32-33).
When I read that passage, I was absolutely humbled. If Jesus Himself could cancel out my wicked debt with his life, forgive ALL my sins and show such mercy when I didn‘t deserve it - how could I then turn around and hold onto a grudge, be unforgiving or unmerciful toward my own flesh and blood?
Jesus makes another brilliant argument in Matthew 5:44-47, when he says: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
It’s easy to love those who love us back. Even non-believers are capable of that kind of love. But Jesus commands His children to go further - to love people who hate us, who spit on us, who tell lies about us. Sure, it’s hard. It feels impossible. But we must forgive. We must love.
I’ll be honest - those times when I’m too human, too stubborn, too hurt to forgive, that’s when I pray this prayer: “Lord, I want to forgive them. I’m commanded to, and I want to obey you. But it’s too hard right now. I don’t feel capable. So, please forgive them THROUGH me.” And, you know, when I open myself up to the idea of forgiveness, I can feel the Lord softening my heart. It works.
“Love your enemies.“
The meaning of that verse has changed drastically for me over the years. My little-girl self always pictured enemies as scary men in battle guard. Evil people, “somewhere out there,” that I’d never come into contact with.
But growing up, I discovered that enemies can be found in unexpected places. In co-workers who sabotage your chances for a promotion or gossip behind your back. In fellow church members you thought were friends, but whose resentment suddenly shows itself one day. Most painfully, they can be found in your own backyard, when a trusted family member betrays you with little or no remorse.
Struggling to love and forgive these people, in spite of how deeply they’ve hurt me, is a painful lesson that, even now, I don’t know that I’ve fully grasped. But the truths I’ve learned about myself, and about God’s unfailing grace and forgiveness toward ME, have ultimately been worth the pain.
Yep, this is the hard one. The one I’ve struggled with the most. How do you love someone who practically hates you? Who steps on you and seems to enjoy watching you squirm, even when you‘ve done nothing to deserve it? My epiphany came, though, when I re-read Jesus’ parable of the unmerciful servant. Jesus tells of a servant who owed his master an enormous sum of money. When the servant begged for mercy, his master forgave ALL his debt and showed him undeserved mercy.
But what did that servant do, that very night, when he ran into a friend who owed him a miniscule amount of money? He threw the man in prison, showed no mercy whatsoever!
Then the master called the servant in. ’You wicked servant,’ he said, ’I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ (Matt. 18:32-33).
When I read that passage, I was absolutely humbled. If Jesus Himself could cancel out my wicked debt with his life, forgive ALL my sins and show such mercy when I didn‘t deserve it - how could I then turn around and hold onto a grudge, be unforgiving or unmerciful toward my own flesh and blood?
Jesus makes another brilliant argument in Matthew 5:44-47, when he says: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?”
It’s easy to love those who love us back. Even non-believers are capable of that kind of love. But Jesus commands His children to go further - to love people who hate us, who spit on us, who tell lies about us. Sure, it’s hard. It feels impossible. But we must forgive. We must love.
I’ll be honest - those times when I’m too human, too stubborn, too hurt to forgive, that’s when I pray this prayer: “Lord, I want to forgive them. I’m commanded to, and I want to obey you. But it’s too hard right now. I don’t feel capable. So, please forgive them THROUGH me.” And, you know, when I open myself up to the idea of forgiveness, I can feel the Lord softening my heart. It works.
“Love your enemies.“
The meaning of that verse has changed drastically for me over the years. My little-girl self always pictured enemies as scary men in battle guard. Evil people, “somewhere out there,” that I’d never come into contact with.
But growing up, I discovered that enemies can be found in unexpected places. In co-workers who sabotage your chances for a promotion or gossip behind your back. In fellow church members you thought were friends, but whose resentment suddenly shows itself one day. Most painfully, they can be found in your own backyard, when a trusted family member betrays you with little or no remorse.
Struggling to love and forgive these people, in spite of how deeply they’ve hurt me, is a painful lesson that, even now, I don’t know that I’ve fully grasped. But the truths I’ve learned about myself, and about God’s unfailing grace and forgiveness toward ME, have ultimately been worth the pain.
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Sidebar:
So, HOW do I love my enemies? What steps can I take?
Sidebar:
So, HOW do I love my enemies? What steps can I take?
* PRAY - Work your enemies purposefully into your daily list of prayers. Realize they might be hurting, too. Pray for their well-being, their relationship to the Lord, their hidden hurts and deep despairs. Matthew 5:44 commands us to: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
* REACH OUT - Even little gestures can pave the way for a possible reconciliation. Forward your “frenemy” an email you know they’d find interesting. Send a card on their birthday. Be warm and friendly if you happen to run into them. Be the bigger person here. Even if you were not the initiator of the rift, YOU are the one commanded to try and heal it. Matthew 5:23-24 says: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, LEAVE your gift there…first go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”
* REMEMBER THAT YOU’RE A SINNER, TOO - In the Lord’s eyes, we’re ALL guilty of sin. No one is “better” than the other. It’s easier to forgive someone when you look to your own flaws and remember that you’re guilty of hurting people too - of saying the wrong thing, of having jealous thoughts, of talking behind people’s backs. None of us is perfect. In Luke 6:41, Jesus reminds us of this: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
* GO EASY ON YOURSELF - Realize that there are days you’ll slip back into old patterns of unforgiveness - you might feel too weak, too tired and hurt to love and forgive. Don’t let that weakness keep you from trying. But also don’t let it bring you down on yourself. You’re only human. Try again tomorrow.
* LET GO AND MOVE ON - Ultimately, you’ll have to choose to let go of an unhealthy relationship if reconciliation isn’t possible. If you’ve done everything you can, you‘ve obeyed the commands to pray, love, and forgive - then you’ve done your part. Let go, give the relationship (or lack of) to God. The Lord has other, better things in store for you. Praise Him for that and move on.
4 comments:
AWESOME!
Well Said!
Very good. I wish I could write like that. That helped me with our situation.
Thanks for that. I think I definitely need it. I will be doing quite a bit of praying in the very near future.
Wow that article was awesome and a great reminder. Please let me know where and when it is published, I would like to keep that on hand as a reminder.
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