In class, I asked students to write on this prompt: "What's your 'deal-breaker' in a friendship? What would you consider something so bad that you'd back away from the relationship?" Before the students got started, one of them asked me, "What's YOUR deal-breaker?"
Then she challenged her Facebook friends with the same task of answering that question.
I had my fingers on and off the keyboard. Then I finally commented that it warranted a blog entry.
So here goes...
It's interesting. Because I have had very few friendships break up. Let me explain. I think we first need to define what, to us, is a friend. Because I have lots of "Facebook friends." I have a whole lot of acquaintances in real life. To give you the title of friend is a pretty big deal to me. And honestly, it wasn't something I really understood until I was WELL into my adult life.
I had friends growing up. But none were really solid, mature relationships. Because - - well, I wasn't a solid, mature person. I always struggled being friends with females. I could relate to guys so much easier. Girls, in my experience, were catty and mean. Jealous. Nasty. Held grudges. It was never easy.
I was one of those girls who developed early. And I just kept on developing. Most girls hated me for that. Truly hated. Guys noticed. Some were pretty obnoxious about it.
I developed some pretty wicked self-esteem issues and I would say that I had a very negative body image issue. I hid behind clothes that were too big for me. As a matter of fact, I'm in my mid-forties (holy crap, how did that happen) and I'm just now learning to dress for my size, throw my shoulders back, and stand tall. Confident in who I am.
But back to the friend thing.
I made some friends in college. Ride or die friends? Well, maybe a couple. Lots and lots of social friends. People I knew, hung out with, and stuff. But people that knew the inner workings of me? Not really. I found that most people disappointed me. They let me down. They cast me aside when a better offer came along. They didn't include me in their group dates because my boyfriend ran in a different circle.
I only dated one guy in college. Seriously dated. And it lasted two years. It ended rather abruptly after he graduated and went into the Air Force. He actually broke my damn heart. I've heard through the grapevine that he's like a Colonel or something now. And really, he was a great guy. He just knew that I wasn't the one. Ewwwww. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Why did I even let this go there? I actually struck gold one week after I graduated from college. Hello Mr. B! I'll post more about how we became Mr. and Mrs. B another time. It's quite a story.
But friends...
That not being included thing stung. A lot. Still does. Facebook has made that worse. Because of stupid tagging and inside jokes. I hate that crap.
Grown up friendships are very different. So I'm going to use that as my reference to answer the original question. What's my deal-breaker? For authentic friendships. What can make me run the other direction?
If you've thrown me under the bus for something, I'd give myself a pretty safe distance. But if you were driving the bus you threw me under? Bye. Seriously, bye.
What do I expect? Honesty. Loyalty (within reason, I understand priorities), Respect, and Love.
I've had many acquaintances come and go. Some are due to distance. Others are due to straight up incompatibility. I've said it a million times, I think we can have seasonal friendships. Seasons change. Lives change. Priorities change. Life happens.
I had an awesome group of friends that met weekly to scrapbook. We had a firm agreement. Politics was off limits. Religion was really limited to curiosity questions. (We were very diverse.)
Politics. Oh Lort. Not a deal-breaker as long as you aren't an asshole about your beliefs. Again with the respect thing.
I've been through hell and back with a friend. We had to "go in the tunnel" to work our crap out. It wasn't pretty. But I'm so glad that we did.
I have a very small group of women I'd go to if a crisis crept up.
I know who to call if I need a glass of wine or a cup of coffee and a good conversation.
I know who to call if I need to pray about something.
I know who to call if I need to belly laugh at an inappropriate movie.
I know who to call if I get a kidney stone in the middle of the night.
I know who to call to bury the body of the bus driver.
I have those people in my life. And I'm not afraid to sic them on you if you hurt me. And I will straight up cut you if you hurt them.
Deal-breaker? You have to REALLY screw up to get out of my inner circle once you're in. It's simple. Stick with the code and we'll be fine.
See why I couldn't squeeze all that in a comment box? Heh.
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