Pissed Off Post

FYI - I am in a very bad mood.  I'm doing this for me.  I have to get this out of my system.  Don't say you weren't warned.

I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE FAILURE AS A PARENT AND I QUESTION EVERY DECISION I'VE EVER MADE.

I understand that we can't all have G/T kids.  Frankly, the whole G/T thing pisses me off anyway.  Parents love to flaunt the term and I'm sick of it.  Guess what?  My kids aren't G/T.  My kids don't seem to give a shit about school and I'm frustrated.

I. Blame. Myself.

Major changes are ahead for the B household.  MAJOR.

J - you don't want to do your homework?  Tough stuff.  Suck it up buttercup.  You don't like reading?  That's too bad.  It's a HUGE part of the next twelve years for you.  And, hopefully, at least four more after that.  How is it that he can't remember ANYTHING from last year?  Words like, "at," "in," etc..  Why?  Why doesn't he care?  I can tell you.  It's those damn video games.  That's right.  I said it.  We are paying for not staying on top of it.  Buh-bye XBox.  Buh-bye Wii.  I grew up without that crap and they can, too.  We are cracking the whip around here.  Big time.

Reading is a gift.  The places it can take you in your mind and the things you can learn...  It's so important.  Just try.  Sound it out.  Try.  If you're confused, ask for help.  But at least try.  Don't even say, "I can't" before you open the book.

C - tired?  FREAKING GO TO BED WHEN WE TELL YOU TO!  I couldn't stop him from falling asleep this afternoon.  He's exhausted.  And stop arguing with me.  Your fire drill at school was not at 5:00 today.  You weren't there then.  He had the nerve to call *me* a liar when I corrected him.  Huh?  Trust me.  You did not have your fire drill at 5:00.  Nice try, Mr. Five Year Old Know It All.

Bedtime.  Oh my gosh. Bedtime pisses me off.  Even if you think you've got all your bases covered, it's not enough.  We shower, we brush our teeth, we get one last drink of water, we go to the bathroom, we give hugs.  And without fail - - someone gets back up.  Someone can't shut down.  It's non-stop and I'm sick of it.  Go to bed when I tell you to and you won't be so freaking tired and whiny.  Get it?

Talking back?  When did this get so out of control?  I didn't get away with this crap as a kid.  Why do I let mine get away with it?  These boys are going to learn some freakin' respect even if it kills them.  I WILL NOT RAISE DISRESPECTFUL CHILDREN.  Watch your mouth.  Don't smart off.  Don't raise your voice at me.  Don't argue.  Treat each other with respect.  Treat other people with respect.  Definitely respect grown ups.  Always say "ma'am, sir, please, thank you," etc.

"That's not fair."  Damn right it's not.  Stop saying it.  What's not fair is that I have to hear that phrase no less than eleventy billion times every day.  And considering I'm only with them for a few waking hours every day, this is a lot.

Don't like what's for dinner?  Again - - tough.  At least you have food.  And I know it's good food.  I'm D.O.N.E. making an alternate meal for either kid.  Done.  You will not live on Mac 'n Cheese alone while you live in my house.  Get it?

I'm sure there's more.  Somehow I feel like I've said plenty already.

Please don't report me to CPS.  I do not wish harm on my children.  What I do wish is for them to learn to become responsible, successful human beings.  I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to equip them.  And I feel like I am failing miserably.

Please know that I'm not looking for validation here.  I'm not looking for "oh poor you" or "you are a good parent."  I just needed to get this stuff off of my chest.

If you're still with me - - do you think I've lost my mind?

Still Here

I believe they call all of this nonsense "Life."  And it's been crazy.

If things truly come in "threes" then I should be all caught up and ready to perk up.

First I lose Shannon.  Major suckage.  That's gonna take a while to get over.  But each day is a little better.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss her like CRAZY!  I also know that she would want me to move on with my life.  So - - I'm doing that.  One day at a time.

Then Justin broke his wrist.  He's been casted, no surgery.  It is his right hand and he is right-handed.  He's adapting to writing.  But you know what he doesn't do well with his left hand?  Wipe.  I know, gross.  Sorry.  So guess who's back in the hiney-wiping business?  That would be me.  Fun!  (written once again in my non-existent sarcasm font)  He's not hurting that much anymore, so I think we are good to go.  Just a total pain not getting it wet.  Did I mention I'm having to bathe him, too?

To top it all off, I went to bed Monday night feeling like total dookie.  I'd been hurting in my lower back and then I was terribly nauseated.  For me - classic onset of a kidney stone moving.  Terrific!  (again with the font)  I was in incredible pain ALL day yesterday.  It's getting so much better.  Still hurting in my back, but not nearly as bad.  I don't know if I passed that little sucker or not.  My last sonogram said that the one left in my kidney was a very small one.  I hope it's gone.

And here we are today.  First day of fall.  I wake up to a gentle rain.  Woo hoo!  The only thing that would make today more perfect is if I didn't have to get out in it.  But alas, a school thingy beckons.

Time to hit the shower.

I love you, Sheldon.

I'm sorry kids...

...but I've watched Hoarder's.  Closet/toy culling is a necessary part of my life.  I'm guessing you will each notice that your closets are clean.  I don't think you are going to miss a thing.

I still say that kid's meal toys are the bane of my existence.  I wish they'd just knock a quarter off the price and call it good.  We don't need that crap.  I have a trash can full to prove it.

Very Weird

I had to pick Justin up early from school.  The day had already been a little much for him.  To add insult to injury (pun intended) I drug him to Wal-Mart with me.  We are taking dinner to some friends tonight and we were just downright low on some of our basics.  For the record, I HATE taking any kid with me to Wallyworld.  It had to be done, so we went.

When I parked, this is what I saw:

Uh, yeah.  I can't help but wonder what happened here.

I'm a chick and I know NOT to drive on a tire like that.  You don't drive on a flat.  Period.  My dad DRILLED that into my teenage brain when I first started driving.  This is a huge no-no.

Okay.  A purse.  With a visible wallet.  Huh?  Lots of stuff in the back of this truck.  The purse was there when I went in and there when I returned.  People steal purses in this store from shopping carts.  This one was certainly not being guarded.  

This is Justin on our way home.  He managed something of a smile for me.  I think he was just happy that we were leaving and that I snagged a *gasp* Lunchable for him.

So - - will the truck above be on some sort of unsolved mysteries show someday?

It was just - - weird.

I'm telling you.  This had to involve either a kidnapping or someone that was more than high or drunk.  I can't wrap my mind around this one.

Dear Hot Flashes

Dear Hot Flashes,

You suck.

I am not in the mood for you today.  Please leave.

Bite me,
B

I did it!!!

Okay.

*deep breath*

A few of you know a little about this.  I didn't want to get the cart before the horse and get rejected.  It would have been so embarrassing.

But - - I did it!

I submitted a portfolio to the local paper to be considered for contract photography.  I was given a test assignment over the weekend.  I went and shot pictures on Saturday morning.  (I practiced a high school night football game, too. Eek. The lighting. More practice needed there.)  I digress.  I shot photos of opening day of youth flag football.

I came home.  Edited.  Captioned ten of my best pictures.  Submitted.  Then held my breath.

No word yesterday.

*sigh*

No word today.

Already distracted by Bones, but, *bigger sigh*

Then, at 7:15 tonight, I got *the* e-mail.  Here is an excerpt from my editor:

Thank you. That turned out nice. I appreciate the effort you put into getting everything done right and on time. I will use your pictures Sunday as part of our Got Game page. I hope to find more opportunities for you to shoot during the week.

 *insert maniacal screaming here*

That's right.  As of Sunday, I will be a published photographer.  Shannon - - I did it.  I DID IT!  She encouraged me and believed in me.  I was able to share my opportunity with her before she passed away.  I could feel her smiling down on me as I read the e-mail.

*smiling through tears*

Bones

Bones.  That's my new nickname for Justin.  I honor of the two he broke at school this morning.

That's right.  "Bones" broke not one, but two bones in his wrist this morning at school.  He was on the monkey bars and fell.  He landed right on his wrist.

I just happened to be up at the school buying both boys books at the book fair.  I was walking with Cameron down to the playground to find Justin so that I could show him his books.  He came around the corner crying and holding his wrist.  His teacher was shocked to see me and asked how I got there so fast.  I can't believe I was there when it happened.

We went to the school nurse who examined it while I took Cameron back to his class.  She said she was pretty sure it was broken and sent us to the emergency room.  Mr. B met us down there.

After some x-rays, they came back in and told us that it was a "green stick fracture" in both bones of his wrist.  On his right hand.  And yes, he is right-handed.  They gave him some meds that made him loopy and then splinted it up.  We have a call in with an orthopedic surgeon to follow up.  There is some swelling now.  That's why they didn't cast it.

So.  That's where we stand today.  My first-grader, who has written homework everyday except Friday, can't write.  *awesome*  (That awesome part was written in my imaginary sarcasm font.)

He's uncomfortable, but not completely miserable.

Since I am a scrapbooker at heart - - I snagged a few pictures.  (I always carry my little camera with me.)  Here you go...

Here he is once we were put into a room.

His first ride in a wheel chair.  Here he is coming back from x-ray.

Splinting it up.

He was so funny when the meds started kicking in.

Resting in his Daddy's chair.  Shortly after this, the pain meds wore off.  He's since been re-dosed.

This mommy has had enough.  Stuff happens.  I'm not angry with anyone.  He was just being a kid.  But seriously, I don't want to go back to another hospital for a long time.  And I want his pain to GO AWAY.

The Highlight of My Day

Picking up these two guys from school.

I mean, really - - how sweet is this?

The Hunger Games

Shannon recommended it.  I finished it tonight and I absolutely loved it.  I *so* want to talk about it with her.  I think I understand her connection with this book.

Anyone else read it and want to discuss it?

Moving on and Healing

Guess what I did today.  I'm not blonde anymore.  And the gray is a thing of the past.  (For now.)  It's dark. Real dark.  I love it.  I've decided that I really like the dark better than the light.  It's more me.  More the real me.

I have something else exciting on the horizon.  I can't really go into it right now.  Just an opportunity that I've wanted for a long time.  I test the waters this weekend.  I'm not sure when I'll get my feedback.  I'm not even sure, once I get there, that it's what I really want to do.  I won't know unless I try.  So wish me luck and I'll talk about it later.  I feel like, at this point, that as long as I try - - I succeed.

The tears don't flow as often.  It doesn't mean I don't think about her.  I think about her all of the time.  I don't feel as consumed about the tragedy of it all.  I hate it. And I'm still angry that she was taken away from me.  It's not fair.  But she wouldn't want me to wallow in it and she wouldn't want my blog entries to all be dark and sad.  She was one of my biggest fans around this place.  And her presence is already missed.  A lot.

I guess you can say that I'm healing.  I don't feel so raw and exposed anymore.  Life goes on.  And I intend to live it to its fullest.

Yoda - - miss you like crazy, I do.  Inspire me, you always will.